in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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