be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
