I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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