So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
