My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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