I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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