I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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