Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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