Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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