All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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