if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
