glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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