John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
jump out the window naked night went bad
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
