He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
