everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
