Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
