i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
