lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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