I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
