guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
