When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
