I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
