Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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