i just wanna soil my oats bro
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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