So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
