I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
