If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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