I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
