I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
