My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
