3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
