I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
