I wish you could order shots online.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
