You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
