final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
