don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
