my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i love accidental penises.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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