if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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