glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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