we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
