I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
