So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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