Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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