Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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