I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
