life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
