Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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