The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
