you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
