Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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