my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
