If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Jerry, you need to find god
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We're too hungover to prance.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
