mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
