i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
