I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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