he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
