We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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