i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
